


Burning Bridges

by Mixk



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-01 10:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mixk/pseuds/Mixk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raleigh brings Herc back to Alaska with him when the dust settles, the losses commemorated, and the PPDC decommissioned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keep On Running

Raleigh brings Herc back to Alaska with him when the dust settles, the losses commemorated, and the PPDC decommissioned. Mako goes to London, to meet with Stacker's family, to officially inherit everything her adopted father has left her; before she can go back to Japan. She hasn't gone back since Onibaba, and Raleigh understands the need to reconnect with her roots. He's going to miss her—you don't drift with someone and come back unchanged from it—but they're only a phone call away, and he has no worry whatsoever for his co-pilot's well-being. As for Herc, the man is but a ghost of his past self, and it is clear to Raleigh that Sydney is no longer home for Herc—hell, any notion of home has probably died along with Chuck. Raleigh would know.  He was just as lost as Herc is now, right after Yancy's passing; and in a sense, he still is. He hasn't had any fixed point in his life since Knifehead took the only family he had left, having spent the last few years since then wandering across the country, going wherever work was. 

He's not sure why he takes it upon himself to care for Herc. They've never interacted much—hell, they barely know each other. He's always had the greatest respect for the senior ranger, and perhaps even a bit of a crush, though he never dwelled on it. The truth is, Raleigh doesn't trust Herc to take care of himself, just like the PPDC didn't trust him when he was found after the defeat of Knifehead, bloody and scarred for life. Herc doesn't even need convincing, completely consumed by grief and guilt, and Raleigh would have preferred any other reaction than this. Herc is a reflection of himself, not so long ago, and yet entirely different. Herc is broken in ways Raleigh will never compute, and he doesn't know how to approach the man. They get enough money for the service rendered to humanity, and so Raleigh gets a nice, quiet house in Anchorage, back in his hometown. Living here, in the city he used to call home, is a daily reminder of the people he's lost. First his mother left them, shortly followed by his father. And then Yancy. It gets so unbearable sometimes that for the first few days, he seriously considers moving elsewhere, far away from this town that has nothing left to offer him. What stops him from changing his mind, in the end, is Herc. 

On the first night at their new place, Raleigh comes back from a supply run and some groceries to find a comatose Herc on the couch. He almost calls an ambulance, only half reassured by the constant slow fall and rise of Herc's chest. Raleigh doesn't sleep that night, watching Herc like a hawk until the latter wakes up ten hours later. He's glaring at Herc, not hiding the disappointment he feels at that moment.

"Do you really think drinking yourself to death is going to solve anything?" he asks as he hands over a glass of water, sitting opposite Herc on the recliner he indulged in when he bought the place.

"Why do you even care?" Herc spits at him, voice raw and weak as he sits up on the couch, his movements tentative and shaky. He takes the glass nonetheless, emptying it before putting it down on the coffee table with a loud clunk. 

"I'm starting to ask myself the same question," Raleigh mutters as he rubs a hand over his face, getting up from his seat. He extends a hand out to the older man, heaving a tired sigh as he feels the exhaustion of this sleepless night catch up to him. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up, you reek. I need to crash too."

Herc accepts his help to get up, to his surprise, and Raleigh doesn't allow himself to go get some well deserved rest until Herc comes out of the bathroom fresh from a much needed shower. If the sight of Herc with his wet hair and clinging clothes gets Raleigh's heart racing and body warming up, he doesn't let it show—at the very  least, he tries not to.

"There, don't you feel more human already?" he says with a dry chuckle, devoid of any actual mirth. Raleigh's comment is met with silence and a blank expression, causing him to sigh in defeat. "Do you want to sleep some more?"

Herc nods in response, walking past him towards the stairs, and before he knows it, Raleigh stops Herc with a hand on the latter's arm. "You didn't look so comfortable sleeping on the couch."

"You watched me sleep?" Herc says with his monotone voice, the one Raleigh has been subject to from the beginning. It's really made him miss the old Herc, the one he only got to get a glimpse of. Raleigh wishes they had more time to get to know each other then, before Chuck was taken from Herc.

"I made sure you didn't drown in your own vomit," he retorts, looking up to meet bloodshot eyes, and the sight breaks Raleigh just a little bit more. Herc's blue eyes have caught Raleigh's attention more than once, their once bright shine now faded away, and to see the life drained out of them now is a painful reminder of the wreckage the Kaijus have left behind them. "Go take the bed, I'll take the couch."

"The bed you got is pretty big, if I recall," Herc points out, and it gives him pause. Is Herc suggesting...? Herc regards him with a renewed spark, and for once, behind the indifference, the lethargic mask he's kept on for so long, Raleigh sees the anguish in Herc's eyes in all its magnitude. It knocks the breath out of him, to see just how wrecked Herc actually is in the span of a few seconds. He tightens his grip around Herc's arm, for lack of coming up with a better thing to do.

"Yeah, it is," is all Raleigh can think to say, too tired to think clearly, and so they both walk to the master bedroom, the only room he's had time to furnish yet. His priority was to get Herc a bed, thinking he could make do with the crappy couch that came with the house. But the thought of a comfortable mattress sounds heavenly right about now, and he doesn't mind sharing it with Herc—it's not just that he doesn't mind, he actually really likes the sound of that, but he pushes the thought aside. This is definitely not the right time.

The king size bed is pretty large, larger than Raleigh remembers when he picked it out, but it is more than enough to fit two grown men, and they have space to spare to put between them. Raleigh falls asleep almost instantly the moment his head hits the pillow, and doesn't wake up until hours later. In their sleep, both men have found their way to each other, with Herc mostly wrapped around Raleigh, face relaxed and peaceful. It occurs to Raleigh then that the older man is cold—he hasn't had the chance to get the heating system up and running yet, and it is still winter. Winters in Alaska are harsh, Herc most likely isn't used to this kind of weather, now that Raleigh thinks about it. He doesn't say anything, completely mesmerized by the sight of this broken man in his arms. He can't stop himself from threading his fingers through the short red locks, longing to just kiss Herc's pain away, though knowing very well he doesn't get to. Raleigh disentangles himself from Herc before the latter wakes up—but not after a while either, too content to be in such close contact with the man—leaving him none the wiser about their accidental cuddling. Herc doesn't need more complications, Raleigh figures.

Raleigh makes sure to keep the house alcohol free from that moment on, still not sure how Herc even got his hands on the bottle of Jack in the first place, seeing as he hasn't seen the man so much as move from his bed. Herc must have waited until Raleigh got out of the house to buy the whiskey, is the only explanation he can come up with. As it turns out, he doesn't really need to, because he finds no alcohol in the house the days following that first night, and he dares hope it's a sign that Herc's headed in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the idea behind this fic was just a sweet drabble with Herc hating the cold in Alaska, and cuddling up to Raleigh to keep warm, but it ended up being my own take on a post movie fic with Herc/Raleigh. Oops? This was written in one sitting, I may come back and edit it (read : most likely will). I don't want to promise, but I had more in mind for this story, but I have so much on my plate already. Let me know what you think, comments are always appreciated !


	2. Look For My Heart (You Stole It Away)

Herc doesn't ever get out of the house. Raleigh has no idea what the man does while he's out and about, running errands and whatnot, or fixing up the house; though he suspects all Herc does is sit around wallowing in guilt with Max on his lap. It wouldn't surprise him, for he's caught Herc several times doing just that. Raleigh spends some time helping with the rebuilding of the city, about twice a week. The wall he was previously working on before operation Pitfall not being necessary anymore, it's now being taken down, the resources deemed more useful put elsewhere. Raleigh finds the work most welcome, needing to occupy himself rather than staying home doing nothing. Part of him feels guilty for leaving Herc alone back at the house, even for short periods of time, because in the end, he is avoiding Herc.

His roommate is doing no better than when they moved in, closed in on himself, and Raleigh has a hard time getting through to him. He manages to get Herc to eat, to take care of himself to a strict minimum, but that's about it. Barely a few words exchanged throughout the day, and nothing else. Aside from that first night they shared a bed, Raleigh feels like they're just two strangers in the same house, which is as unsettling as it is frustrating. He hoped he would be able to help Herc get through the loss of his only son, and that hope is slowly fading away. It's only been two weeks, however, and Raleigh knows better than anyone it takes more time than that to mourn. There are times when he catches a glimpse of Herc's pain through his eyes, when he's reminded Herc is still alive somewhere in that closed off shell of his, which never last long enough for Raleigh to react and reach for the man as he'd like.

The thing is, Raleigh has felt...restless. Not only because he's basically living with a zombie—as harsh as it sounds, he doesn't have a better description—but also because he's been craving said zombie's touch. He hasn't been able to get that first night out of his mind since it happened. There's no way around it, Herc is a beautiful man, and the near constant exposition to the latter's presence along with Raleigh's empathy was bound to have consequences. This consistently growing attraction and need to touch Herc leaves Raleigh at a loss as to what to do, so he leaves Herc alone as much as possible, tucking his own desires away. If Herc wants to be around him, he'll gladly keep him company, even in silence. All Raleigh wants to do in the end is make life as bearable as it can get, given the circumstances.

One day, Herc surprises him by making breakfast, when Raleigh's usually the first one up. He walks into the kitchen space finding Herc at the stove, Max eating out of his bowl, and there's something about the sight that warms Raleigh's heart. It feels...right. Herc's face isn't ridden with as much sorrow as Raleigh's been used to, and for a second Raleigh forgets everything that's happened to them up until that moment when Herc looks up at him with his bright blue eyes, more alive than ever. Raleigh's heart skips a beat as he nears Herc, taking a seat at the kitchen counter where Herc sets a plate for him.

"Morning," Raleigh greets him, chancing a small smile, but only gets a nod in return from Herc.

"Morning," Herc says as he sits down beside him, sipping his coffee. Raleigh glances at his own mug, filled with green tea he received a couple days ago from Mako. 

"Thanks for breakfast," Raleigh says before taking a bite of his scrambled eggs, feeling far more moved than he thought possible by the gesture. He's only thought about taking care of Herc all this time, and it never occured to him that Herc could do the same for him, even though Raleigh doesn't need him to. Herc glances at him, the sight throwing Raleigh back in time to that first meal with Herc and Chuck in Hong Kong. He stops himself from reaching for Herc's face, instead turning his attention back to his plate. These thoughts are getting more frequent as time goes by, and Raleigh's afraid he won't be able to control himself one day. They eat in comfortable silence, with Raleigh stealing glances at the man next to him from time to time, itching to just be closer to Herc.

"I planned to go to the market today," Raleigh says when he's done eating, shaking crumbs off his hands over his plate. "Would you like to come with?"

Herc remains silent for the longest time, and so Raleigh takes it as a no, getting up to clear the counter when Herc stops him with a hand.

"Let me do it," Herc says, easing his grip on Raleigh's wrist before proceeding to put the dishes away in the sink. Raleigh's disappointment gets the best of him, urging him to push further. 

"You haven't been out of the house once since we've moved in, I think it'd do you some good," Raleigh adds, walking up to lean back against the counter next to Herc as the latter does the dishes. "It'll only be for a couple hours at the most, what do you say?"

Herc pauses in his actions, looking down at his wet and bubbly hands before heaving a deep sigh and muttering a quick 'fine'. Raleigh can't help but break into a smile, patting Herc's shoulder lightly.

"Come on, hand me the dishes, I'll wipe them," he says enthusiastically, and pretty soon they're done in the kitchen, preparing to get out, with Max jumping excitedly at their feet.

Herc doesn't really have winter clothes, and it's something Raleigh has been meaning to fix but hasn't had the chance to yet. So Raleigh lets Herc have his scarf, since the latter's warmest coat is a leather coat, and he refuses to borrow one of Raleigh's sweaters. 

"They're really warm, Herc, and it's freezing outside," Raleigh assures him, sweater in hand, but Herc just grumbles at him as he puts the leash on Max.

"Bloody hideous," Herc says, and that settles the matter. Shaking his head, Raleigh puts on his pea coat, offering his leather gloves to Herc who thankfully takes them. Grocery bags in hand, Raleigh turns on the security system and opens the door, waiting for Herc and Max to get out to lock behind them.

"Jesus Christ, no," Herc says the moment he takes a step outside, turning on his heels to go back inside, but Raleigh blocks the door. 

"Come on, Herc, you're a grown man," Raleigh teases, making sure to lock the door before he nudges Herc forward.

They walk to the farmer's market a few blocks away, cutting through snow-covered streets, with Max in toe. It's still pretty early in the morning that Raleigh doesn't need to worry about papparazzi chasing after them, like they have been since they found out war hero Raleigh Becket moved back in Anchorage. As far as the world knows, Marshall Hercules Hansen is in Sydney, since they have never released any official statement regarding Herc's whereabouts, and Herc has stayed cooped up in the house since they got here. Raleigh has been really careful to protect Herc from the outside world, and so far has managed to keep their house location a mystery. The farmer's market isn't too far from their house, and with the increasingly cold weather they've been getting, Raleigh doubts they'll have to worry about camera flashes today.

Herc is shaking beside him, arms wrapped around himself, cheeks flushed and lips completely pale, and so Raleigh does the only logical thing there is to do; he wraps an arm around Herc's waist, bringing their bodies closer together. They really do fit well together, Raleigh thinks, only comforting his earlier conclusion from that night spent in each other's arms. He's relieved Herc doesn't push him away, though Raleigh suspects the older man is too distracted by the harsh cold to think clearly.

"You don't get winters like this in Sydney, do you?" he says, letting out a chuckle. His heart jumps quicker in his chest when Herc leans into him, sliding an arm of his own around Raleigh. He shouldn't be enjoying this as much as he does, but he figures there's no harm done in sharing warmth—it's not like he'd meticulously planned for this to happen.

"No," Herc breathes out, lips trembling as he hands the leash to Raleigh. "This was a bad idea. I'll freeze to death."

"I won't let it come to that," Raleigh says, gladly taking the leash from Herc and guiding Max to his side. He hasn't seen the dog so excited to go outside for a while, Herc's melancholy having no doubt affected Max as well. Raleigh should tell Herc to take Max out more often from now on, since he's managed to get the man to go out now. "We'll go get you some more appropriate clothes later, all right?"

Herc just nods in response as they approach the market, the sun starting to impose its presence more firmly and shine some warmth down on them. People are already doing groceries, though rush hour has yet to come, and Raleigh's intent on avoiding the flux of people awaiting the truck farmers. 

"Here, take my arm and stick close," Raleigh says as he takes his arm off of Herc's waist, folding it for Herc to loop his around. He's well aware that to the world, they look like a couple right now, walking from stand to stand to buy fruits and vegetables, but as long as it doesn't bother Herc, Raleigh is more than fine with the idea. He's not going to lie—he really can't at this point—he would love to be in a more intimate relationship with Herc, he's been mulling it over for weeks now. Some people stop and stare at them, some probably hit with a hint of recognition, but Raleigh never gives them time to dwell on it and moves fast to the next stand. Herc remains rather idle at his side, following wherever Raleigh goes, and within an hour Raleigh's got enough to feed the both of them for the rest of the week. 

They walk back to the house as fast as they can with their groceries, still sticking close together, and Raleigh almost regrets their little trip ending so soon. Herc all but rushes inside the house, walking over to the fireplace to warm up. Raleigh releases Max after taking the tiny vest off of the dog, and goes to the kitchen to put the groceries away. He can't help but miss having Herc by his side, and wonders now whether it was a good idea to hug the man close to him for so long, knowing he would probably end up craving for more. 

When he walks into the living room, Herc is still standing in front of the fire, arms wrapped around himself and gazing at the fire distantly. Raleigh approaches the older man, stopping short of hugging Herc from behind, reminding himself just in time that he can't do it. So he stands a couple feet away from Herc, staring at the fire's shadows licking the latter's face.

Herc startles him when he looks up to meet his gaze, and Raleigh notices then the tears pooling at the corners of Herc's eyes. Herc gets lost in his thoughts like this pretty often, coming out of them with watery eyes and a heartbreaking expression worn on his face that Raleigh has come to loathe. He wants to give Herc a hug every time he catches the man like this, but never brings himself to actually do it. The last thing he wants is to have Herc push him away, take the act of comfort for pity.

"What?" Herc asks softly, seemingly unaware that Raleigh's been watching him for a good five minutes already.

"Nothing," Raleigh lies, the words ' _beautiful, God he's so beautiful_ ' repeating over and over in his head like a broken record. "Let me take your coat."

Herc obliges, taking the gloves off mechanically before slipping out of his leather coat, handing it all to Raleigh who takes this opportunity to leave the man alone, once again, heart heavy in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration struck, and my brain wouldn't turn on for studying at all today, so I gave up all pretense and wrote this. This is the scene I had originally wanted to write, and I'm quite happy with how this chapter turned out, I must say. Again, I want to thank those of you who have commented, hopefully you're still enjoying this story. As always, let me know what you think !


	3. Nothing Better Worth Imagining

Herc goes out a bit more since that first time they went to the market. Granted, they're still rare occurrences since Herc really isn't that fond of the cold weather—Raleigh still hasn't had the guts to tell Herc it's pretty much the climate they get here year round, worried that'll scare the man away—but Raleigh reckons it's still better than nothing. He does manage to drag Herc out for an afternoon of shopping, the two of them both agreeing that Herc can't go out wearing the light clothes he's brought with him.

They drive in silence to a mall, which, sadly, means Raleigh doesn't have any excuse to press his body up to Herc's. It's just as well, in the end, because he does catch some paparazzi taking their pictures just as they're about step inside, urging him to rush Herc and flee inside a store. 

"Here, try these on," Raleigh says as he grabs random clothes right and left, pushing Herc towards the dressing rooms.

"But these are too large for me," Herc says, looking confused, oblivious to the eager photographers probably prowling the mall looking for them.

"Just try them on, and then I'll get a better size for you," Raleigh says, throwing Herc inside a stall before going back out to make sure the store is clear. He hasn't been harrassed much lately, but the interest sure is going to pick up if they find out Herc is here. Raleigh doesn't care what people write about him, but he's seen some pretty nasty stuff being said about Herc in the press, and he wants to protect the man as much as possible from it. Who knows what they'll say if they snap pictures of Herc out shopping with him. 

The store is clear, and Raleigh heaves a sigh of relief as one of the retail workers asks him if he's ok. The guy is nice enough, and Raleigh even gets him to alert security to keep the paparazzi out of the building. Raleigh feels a bit more at ease after that, and goes back to check on Herc.

"How's it going in there?" he asks, knocking softly on the door, stepping back as it opens abruptly to reveal one grumpy-looking Herc. Raleigh's breath hitches when his eyes travel down to Herc's body, the latter wearing nothing but his undershirt and underwear, and Raleigh's pulse quickens furiously.

"I told you these were all too big for me," Herc grumbles, shoving the pile of clothes at Raleigh's arms. 

"All right, all right," Raleigh concedes, taking another step back, and upon further inspection, notes that Herc has lost weight. He frowns at that, recalling the past few weeks he's fed Herc, trying to remember whether Herc did eat everything that Raleigh put on his plates. He knows from first hand experience that grieving doesn't open up to a whole lot of appetite. He'll have to confront Herc later about it—if at all, he's not sure the outcome's going to be any good. "Did you at least like them? I'll go get a better size for you."

"Yeah, yeah," Herc brushes him off, going back inside the stall, and that's all the incentive Raleigh needs.

They spend the entire afternoon shopping like this, with Raleigh giving Herc clothes to try on, and Raleigh enjoys himself a lot more than he expected in the first place. He feels privileged, getting to dress Herc—and let's face it, this is something couples do, and Raleigh likes to pretend for this one time that that's what they are, no matter how delusional that might be. The older man is fairly compliant, not caring much about what he wears—except for sweaters that are, in Raleigh's opinion, perfectly fine—and Raleigh hopes Herc doesn't notice the longful stares he lets slip out of his control.

"All right, now all we need to get is a coat for you," Raleigh says as they get out of another store, a couple additional shopping bags in hand. He stops in his tracks when he notices Herc isn't by his side, turning around to find Herc standing behind, gaze lost somewhere in the distance. He walks up to Herc, worry creeping up as he glances in the direction of Herc's gaze, seeing nothing in particular. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Herc snaps out of his daze, turning to Raleigh with another of his impossibly sad smiles. "Let's go."

Raleigh doesn't insist, knowing that if Herc wants to talk, he will talk—at least he hopes so. This isn't the first time Herc gets lost in his thoughts, after all, and Raleigh knows better than to harass Herc with questions. In a sense, it does help to have been through what Herc is at the moment, for Raleigh remembers what state of mind he was in at the time he was mourning Yancy's death, when the wounds were still fresh open and seemed like they'd never heal. It's in these moments Raleigh feels like he has a grasp on the situation, doesn't doubt himself about what he should or should not be doing. It still doesn't stop him from wanting to hold Herc close to him, to hold Herc's hand tight in his, but thankfully, his hands are already full with bags.

They enter a designer store—if the very few items on display and fancy lighting are any indication—quickly assaulted by an enthusiastic woman who does seem to recognize them, but still maintains a polite and respectful approach. Raleigh appreciates the help she does provide, selecting a few coats for Herc to choose from.

"They all look the same to me," Herc says, eyeing the coats as though they were targets to shoot down.

"Then try them all on, all that matters is that it keeps you warm and that it's comfortable," Raleigh says, pushing Herc towards the dressing rooms, which has now become fairly familiar to him.

"Do we really need to spend that much money on a damn coat? They all cost around a thousand dollars each," Herc protests, giving Raleigh an exasperated look which he just finds endearing more than anything, really. 

"Don't worry about it, you'll use it quite often, trust me."

"What do you mean I'll use it often?" Herc sounds almost terrified, but Raleigh doesn't give him an answer, locking the man up in one of the three changing cabins. He doesn't want to scare Herc indefinitely about living in Alaska. Herc opens the cabin door immediately, leaving it open as he looks at Raleigh.

"I don't need a fitting room, I'm just putting coats on," Herc says, getting out of his leather jacket to show him how he looks with each coat, taking Raleigh's breath away every single time. The man looks good in anything, and it's a wonder Raleigh has been able to control himself after all the times Herc's put himself on display like this to him. He has to admit he's dragged this afternoon for as long as he could, enjoying himself more than he expected, getting to dress Herc up like this.

"You...um, they all look good," Raleigh says finally when Herc shows him the last one, and Raleigh really won't be of any help to pick just one. Hell, he would be fine buying them all for Herc if it comes down to it. "Just pick whichever you like best."

Herc nods, having obviously found a favourite as he picks a dark long wool coat, handing the rest to the store employee who refuses to accept payment for the coat—as has already been the case with several stores already—insisting on giving it to them for free. Perks of saving the world, Raleigh tells Herc, who doesn't seem all that comfortable with the concept, but doesn't complain too much, considering they've just saved a whole lot of money. 

They walk back to the car, nearly assaulted by a swarming group of paparrazzi, and they end up needing the mall security guards to escort them to the parking lot. By the time they manage to get in the car, Raleigh has punched two paparrazzi, unable to rein in the rage they've sparked in him. Herc is scowling beside him in the passenger seat, and Raleigh is fuming as the words that have been thrown at Herc still ring in his ears. _How's it feel to live the life you took from your son? Are you two a couple now? Do you feel any guilt over sacrificing Chuck's life for yours?_

On their drive home, both silent as tombs, Raleigh's head is running with a million thoughts. He steals glances at Herc, assessing just how much damage control needs to be done once they get home, the need to bump his head against the steering wheel growing stronger with each passing second. Herc's face is impassive, as closed off and unreadable as it was in the beginning, the very few improvements he'd managed to get out of Herc now gone. After he pulls the car up to the driveway, they sit in silence in the car for a while, and Raleigh wishes that almost perfect afternoon with Herc hadn't been ruined like this.

——————————————

After that incident at the mall, Herc restricts his outings to walks with Max around the neighborhood, where he knows he won't be bothered by assholes. They don't go out just the two of them as much as a result, much to Raleigh's chagrin. Days turn into weeks, and they settle into a stable routine that Raleigh's afraid to disturb, for Herc's sake. He still goes to work on construction sites twice a week, and on those days, Herc cooks for him, which Raleigh always looks forward to. The rest of the time, Raleigh takes care of most tasks, only leaving the ones Herc insists on doing to the latter. Most importantly, they avoid talking about the past, pretend nothing ever happened—no kaijus, no deaths, no media. Raleigh notices how Herc's entire body tenses up when news report broach the subject of the Kaiju war, or one of the several documentaries reflecting on the greatest challenge humanity has overcome turns up on TV. He just switches to another channel, or switches the screen off altogether, letting silence fall between them instead of bringing up old woulds they'd both rather bury down, no matter how unhealthy that might sound. 

He also keeps a careful eye on what Herc eats, checking to make sure the older man isn't getting any skinnier, and he even sets up a tiny gim in one of the spare rooms for Herc to pass the time. Herc does end up using it a lot, which gives Raleigh some relief. Working out is a great outlet, he's found out long ago, and after a couple of weeks, he's glad to see Herc gaining a bit more weight. He makes sure to never work out with Herc though, the few times he catches Herc going out of the gym all flushed and sweaty being more than enough for him to handle.

A couple of weeks go by like that, and Raleigh keeps himself in check with cold showers and quick jerk offs in the solitude of his bedroom. He still longs to hold Herc in his arms, to share the warmth of a bed with the other man, but he manages to hold himself back from his impulses. The shame is strong enough to sober him up whenever he loses himself in those thoughts, staring too long at Herc when the latter drifts off to sleep in front of the TV. He distracts himself with work, with books, movies, online chats with Mako—which are seriously the highlight of his weeks lately. He likes to hear about how Mako's doing, what adventures she embarks upon, until the conversation inevitably turns to Herc.

"How's he doing?" she asks, knowing fully well she doesn't need to specify who by now.

"He's...he's holding up," Raleigh gives her the same old answer, looking down at his hands. Part of him feels like he's failing Herc, considering how the latter's actually doing. Herc doesn't talk much, looks sad more often that not, and it's a miracle that the man hasn't drowned his liver in alcohol, now that Raleigh thinks about it. It's a good thing Raleigh caught him early, and put an end to it before it could start.

"Give him time," Mako says, offering him a comforting smile, which he returns with a small nod, worrying over his lip.

"I...I don't know what to do here, Mako," Raleigh admits, because whom else is he going to tell? He's got no one to talk to about this, and it's starting to gnaw at him, day and night. He can't help but wonder whether he's the best candidate to help Herc. "It just feels like he drifts further and further away from me every day."

"You're doing everything you can do," Mako says, pausing to take a breath. "You're giving him the space he needs, and you're there for him if he needs you. That's all that matters."

He doesn't have it in him to tell Mako the whole truth, to tell her about the feelings he's been harbouring for Herc all this time. He feels sick sometimes, lusting after Herc when the latter's going through hell on a daily basis with the reality of having lost his only son. What would Mako even think of him? Though to be fair, what he feels for Herc goes far beyond plain physical attraction, because how else would he suffer so much from it? He certainly wouldn't dream of cuddling with Herc at night if it was as simple as that.

"Listen, I'm going to come visit soon, ok?" Mako's voice brings him back from his thoughts.

"You are?" Raleigh lights up, looking up at Mako's face, and the fond smile she gives him is answer enough. 

"I'll talk to you soon, go to sleep," she tells him, and he nods in response, ready to terminate the video chat when Mako's voice stops him.

"Oh, and Raleigh?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself," she adds, her serious gaze leaving no room for discussion. He can't help but grin at her, saying his good byes before ending the connection.

Raleigh goes to bed a little bit more relaxed that night, thankful for these weekly sanity checks with his latest co-pilot. He can't wait to have Mako here to break through the tension reining in the house, hoping her presence will help Herc recover better than with Raleigh's alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow. I've almost written this entire chapter in one sitting (which is quite a feat for me). Bear in mind that I'm really, really exhausted as I write this little note, and the chapter might need some editing, but I'm posting it anyway because it will just sit on my laptop forever being neat picked at forever otherwise. Hopefully you're still enjoying this story. As always, comments are appreciated !


	4. Building Bridges I Know You Never Wanted

The clock reads 00:00 a.m., and Raleigh's heart lurches in his chest. It's February 28th, and he can't sleep, because today is the 5th anniversary of Yancy's death. Every year, he keeps thinking about how February 29th should have ticked him off. Such a rare date surely had to come with something special, right? As a result of that date, he hasn't been able to actually commemorate his brother on the exact date of his death. Not that he particularly wants to be reminded of what he has lost, but he wants to honor his brother's memory. So for the past 5 years, he's declared February 28th and March 1st as Yancy's days. He goes to Yancy's grave every year, doing nothing but cry silently by himself. He misses his big brother every day, but Raleigh misses him most on those two days. 

Tears run down his cheeks as he lies in bed, looking up at the ceiling, and his body soon shakes from the force of his quiet sobbing. This is the only time of the year when he allows himself to break down, to be selfish, to wish for his brother to be alive, to forget about the cold hard truth that he has to face the rest of the time. He's promised to control himself this year, because he isn't living alone anymore, and Herc needs him to be strong. He can't help it though, and just like clockwork, memories from that fateful day hit him hard, rendered infinitely stronger because of the drift. The sheer panic that came from Yancy overwhelms him, mixed with his own, and his breaths come in quick and shallow. 

"Raleigh?"

Herc's distant voice registers at some point in Raleigh's mind, but he's too far gone in his panic attack by then, and can only focus on trying to breathe, to take back control over his still body as he relives through Yancy's death over and over again. Every year he hopes he'll overcome these, but it seems he hasn't. He feels arms wrap around him tight as he's rolled to his side. Herc's familiar scent graces his nostrils, and he burrows his face further in Herc's chest, his hands holding onto the latter's shirt as he tries to even his breathing out. He's still trembling, images still flashing through his mind, but the physical contact helps ground him back to reality, along with Herc's soothing voice. If not for Here's presence, he would probably be brought back to that memory by now.

"I've got you," Herc repeats, one hand cupping the back of Raleigh's head, and they lie in bed like this for a while, until Raleigh finally calms down. He takes deep, slow breaths—though some are still shaky—his heartbeat slowing down to a steady rhythm. His hands have moved from the front of Herc's shirt to his back, and he's holding onto the older man for dear life, afraid to be left alone. He's never felt so vulnerable in a long while, and for once he's glad he's not alone. He feels bad for relying on Herc like this, when the latter is barely holding up himself, and mutters an apology as soon as he finds his voice again.

"Sorry," he says, his voice raw from the hyperventilating, and he breathes in Herc's scent again.

"Sshh, it's alright," Herc mumbles, hand still stroking Raleigh's neck softly. "Go to sleep."

"Can't," he replies, squeezing Herc harder, every ounce of shame he might have felt before thrown out the window in this moment. He's wanted Herc for too long to let this opportunity pass, and he knows he should feel shame now more than ever to use his brother's death to get close to Herc, to take advantage of Herc's compassion, but he's never as selfish as this time of the year. There's no changing that. "Could you...could you stay?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Herc whispers, squeezing Raleigh back as though to reassure him, and Raleigh relaxes in those strong arms. There are no words to describe how incredible it feels to be held by Herc in such an intimate way, and Raleigh wishes he could have this for the rest of his life. Knowing that he can't, however, he stays wide awake, intent on enjoying this moment for as long as it'll last, for as long as Herc will let him. 

"Herc...?" he mumbles, to check whether the other man's fallen asleep yet, without really having anything else in mind to say.

"Hmm?" Herc hums sleepily, and Raleigh looks up to find Herc indeed drifting to sleep. 

"Nothing, good night," Raleigh whispers as he nuzzles back against Herc's chest, letting the latter's chin rest on top of his head. Pretty soon Herc's soft snores grace Raleigh's ears, the consistent rhythm an added stimulus to distract his overactive mind.

With the chaos in his mind receding, Raleigh recalls happier memories of Yancy instead, something he likes to do on this day. Thanks to the drift, he's been able to find old memories that would have otherwise been left buried in the deepest corners of his mind, and that's one of the things he's thankful for. The images are vivid in his head, as lively as though he were actually living them. He thinks about all the winters he's spent building snowmen with Yancy throughout their childhood, especially when they lost their parents and didn't have much of a home anymore. Their grandmother had taken them in, but in her old age, she needed more taking care of then than the other way around. They didn't mind at all, more than happy to be able to stay together and not going through the foster care system. Their grandmother was tired most of the time, but she was kind to them, and that was all that mattered at the time. Raleigh smiles at the memory of their first Christmas with Gram, recalling how Yancy tried to fit a frozen turkey in the oven, how it took hours before they could finally eat it and they were all famished by then. It is one of the happiest memories Raleigh has of his brother, but it always leaves him with a bittersweet heart burn now.

He tires eventually, sadness overwhelming him once more from thinking too much about Yancy. He tries to focus on Herc's breathing instead, and moves up on the bed to lie at eye level with Herc. The arm he's got underneath Herc's side is numb, and it takes some work to find a comfortable position for both himself and Herc without waking the latter. He lands softly on the pillow Herc's resting on, the corners of his lips lifting slightly at the thought of sharing a pillow with the man. He stares openly at Herc's face, losing himself in the latter's beauty. Herc's peaceful expression could fool anyone into forgetting what a wreck he actually is, Raleigh being the first. He likes to think Herc gets some peace at night, but knows better than to actually believe it. 

He leans closer, until Herc's breath ghosts over his lips, and Raleigh can't stop himself from moving his hand to cup Herc's stubbly cheek. He brushes his thumb over tired lines, aching to move even closer, to graze his own lips over Herc's. He does not, however, cross over that line. What he's doing right now is bordering on the edge of inappropriate already, he reckons, and he's not too keen on finding out just how Herc would react to that. With that last thought in mind, Raleigh moves his hand away from Herc's face, letting it rest back on the latter's hip. He doesn't move his face an inch though, too content to have Herc so close, to be able to count every freckle on Herc's face if he wants to. 

With the remaining hours of the night, Raleigh plunges into a fantasy world where he imagines a life without the kaijus ever existing, where Yancy's still alive and well, the both of them going on about their lives in Anchorage. He has a hard time picturing the kind of life he and Yancy would have, unfortunately, having known nothing but the military life with the PPDC. So he pictures the life he  _could_  have right now, with Herc. A life where his feelings aren't unrequited, where he can love Herc freely, and Herc loves him back just as much. He pictures himself kissing Herc in the morning right after waking up, pictures Herc's carefree laugh at something stupid he would have done, pictures them just cuddling on the couch in front of a movie they don't pay much attention to. Countless scenarios run through Raleigh's mind for hours on end, flourishing exponentially as warmth envelops his heart with each image he conjures. It's so much easier to imagine such a life when he's got Herc lying just beside him, holding him close, their faces merely a couple of inches apart. 

Lost in his fantasy, reality slips through Raleigh's grasp, and he closes the distance between their lips for a light kiss. It lasts a couple of seconds, and he heaves a deep sigh when he finds Herc undisturbed. This is as far as he'll ever get, he tells himself, and while his conscience is probably raging somewhere deep at the indecency of his act, blissful chants muffle everything else out. 

When Herc's eyes flutter open, Raleigh meets them dead on, his pulse quickening at the sight of those impossibly blue eyes. Surprise flashes through Herc's face, though the latter doesn't move away from Raleigh, much to his relief. The night's passed now, and Raleigh is afraid nothing is keeping Herc from staying with him.

"Hey," Herc says with a raw voice. "Did you get any sleep?"

Raleigh shakes his head in response, waiting for Herc to inevitably extricate himself from him. He hasn't had any sleep, sure, but Raleigh isn't tired—if anything, he actually feels rested. This night spent with Herc has appeased him in ways no amount of sleep could possibly have—unless Herc were beside him, perhaps. Letting go of Herc now is much harder than he anticipated, and he unconsciously tightens his grip around the older man. Herc scrutinizes him with a strange expression, something like confusion marring his features, and Raleigh doesn't know what to make of that.

"Raleigh."

"What?"

"You're not..." Herc trails off, breaking eye contact for a brief moment before he finally says, "Never mind."

"What?" Raleigh repeats earnestly, heart still hammering away in his ears. Herc purses his lips and squeezes his eyes shut, looking almost...torn. Herc finally lets go of Raleigh, the warmth of Herc's body leaving his as Herc rolls onto his back, slipping his left arm out from under Raleigh and stretching it lightly.

"You don't...you don't have feelings for me, do you?" 

The question hits Raleigh like a sledgehammer, knocking the breath out of him for a good few seconds. He puts some distance between them on the bed, sitting up on the edge with his back turned to Herc. Herc wasn't supposed to even  _suspect_  Raleigh had any interest in him. Herc's tone is incredulous, and if he wants, Raleigh could probably deny it and have Herc brush the thought aside. He doesn't.

"I do," he murmurs as he closes his eyes, his answer barely audible, but the sigh he hears from Herc is all he needs to know that Herc's indeed heard him. He could blame this reckless move on his sleepless state, on being tired of hiding the way he feels for Herc, but his entire body tenses all the same with fear. Unable to face Herc, heart heavy in his chest, he promptly adds, "I'm sorry."

"Raleigh."

He looks up at the sound of Herc's voice so near, and finds sad blue eyes staring at him. The sight makes him break, the realisation that he's somehow just screwed everything up dawning on him, and the thought of losing Herc takes him aback, having never even crossed his mind before.  

"I'm sorry," he says again, a sob escaping his lips as he feels strong calloused hands framing his face. Raleigh's heart skips a beat when lips touch his, firm and soft, and it takes him a second to catch on. He parts his lips slowly, goosebumps traveling down his back when Herc's tongue caresses his. Fireworks go off in Raleigh's head as the kiss goes on, slow and exploratory. It's nothing like he's dreamed of, it's sensual and sweet rather than rushed. Raleigh can taste a trace of mint lingering on Herc's tongue as his hands rests on Herc's neck, his chest light as air, and it feels like every nerve ending in his body's firing up all at once.

"I'm in love with you," Raleigh breathes out when their lips part, unable to contain the words anymore.

 _Here goes nothing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. Wow. So uh, the end of this chapter didn't go as planned. I didn't have anything in particular planned, but things just happened. I went with the flow. Hopefully this works. I'm afraid to even attempt to write from Herc's POV in this story, considering everything that's already happened. As usual, let me know what you think !


	5. Set Me On Fire

Herc leans back slowly, and Raleigh doesn't expect to see sorrow in Herc's eyes, in his tentative smile. Herc's hands slide down to Raleigh's neck, the sensual touch sending shivers down Raleigh's arms and back. Herc hangs his head as he heaves a sigh, leaving Raleigh to hold his breath as he waits for Herc to say something—anything—his heartbeat pounding loud in his ears. After a few beats, Herc looks back up at him with wide eyes, and Raleigh can feel the Herc's entire body tensing through his hands. Herc lets go of him abruptly, as though burned by Raleigh's skin, and stands up, slapping his face hard.

"Dream, this is a dream," Herc mutters under his breath, but loud enough for Raleigh to catch the words. That prompts him to get up as well and follow the man, curiosity and hope blooming inside him.

"Herc," Raleigh says, startled when Herc spins on his heels to face him again, and the sheer panic Raleigh can see in Herc's eyes petrifies him on his feet. Herc actually pinches himself, cursing when he realizes he is indeed awake, and the act prompts a million thoughts running in Raleigh's head. Herc  _kissed_ him—and it was the best kiss Raleigh could have ever hoped for—all the while thinking he was dreaming. There aren't many conclusions to draw from that, and Raleigh feels young and bold again, stepping closer to the older man and chancing a touch on his arm.

"You're not dreaming," Raleigh assures him, and looks him straight in the eye, trying to make Herc understand that he means what he's said. He's hopelessly in love with Herc. As fucked up as they both are emotionally, as messed up as their lives have been, he's managed to fall in love with Herc. Herc must feel _something_ for him if he allows himself to kiss Raleigh in his dreams, and that thought is what keeps Raleigh afloat right now. Herc jerks his arm out of Raleigh's grasp, taking a step back from Raleigh, gaze guarded and fleeting.

"No," Herc says, his voice breaking with that one simple word, his face twisting in agony so brusquely it takes Raleigh aback. Herc looks on the verge of tears, and it shatters Raleigh's heart for different reasons he can't decipher right now. Herc takes another step back, shaking his head frantically while murmuring, "No, no , no. This can't be."

"Herc," Raleigh repeats, trying to get the man to talk to him as fear starts to well up in his chest. He's just confessed he loves Herc after kissing him, and the man is now freaking out. Raleigh reckons he has a legitimate right to freak out as well. He grabs Herc's arms in his moment of panic, afraid Herc will just shut him out from now on—or worse, leave him forever—and his heart just takes another strike when Herc breaks free of his hold again.

"Leave me alone," Herc lets out with a sob, his chest heaving quickly then as more sobs escape, and it takes a second for Raleigh to process the fact that Herc is breaking down right in front of him, for the first time since Chuck's death—that he knows of, at least. What strikes Raleigh is that he's the one to have caused Herc to finally let loose, and he doesn't know what to make of that. Raleigh can't think at the moment, and his body reacts on instinct, wrapping his arms around a flailing Herc. It's a gruesome affair, trying to calm Herc down the way the latter's done for him earlier in the night, what with the man fighting against him through uncontrollable sobs.

"Herc!" Raleigh says in his struggle, but finally manages to secure a hand on the nape of Herc's neck, the latter's punches coming to a stop as he buries his face in Raleigh's shoulder at last. Raleigh hugs the man tight, listening to Herc muttering  _why_ over and over between wails. He has no idea just what exactly has triggered Herc to get into such a state, and is at a loss as to what to do here other than hold him. He cards his fingers through Herc's soft hair, using his other hand to rub circles onto the latter's back. Herc is shaking in his arms, his hot tears soaking Raleigh's shirt, and Raleigh only realizes now just how devastating seeing Herc break down actually is. For a long time he's hoped for this moment to happen, worried about Herc bottling up his grief since the commemoration. The man had been so impassive at the memorial service that Raleigh didn't know how to approach the man then. He still doesn't know how to approach Herc now.

Herc's hands grasp the front of Raleigh's shirt tightly as his cries spike up violently again. He doesn't know how long he holds Herc like this, enduring the heart shattering sounds that come out of Herc; but after weeks of repressed mourning, Raleigh figures this is long overdue. He only wishes it didn't happen in those circumstances.

——————————————————————————

Avoiding Herc is one thing, but having Herc avoid him is another altogether. Raleigh hates it. Herc hasn't spoken a word to him since...the incident. When Herc's sobs receded at last, when Herc let go of him that morning, Raleigh let the man go back to his room. Raleigh stood in his own room, tetanized, for what felt like an eternity, trying to sort out his thoughts in vain. He went to Yancy's grave on his own that day, leaving Herc to grieve by himself while he let his own tears flow silently down his cheeks. He figured crying for his brother was better than crying over what had happened with Herc. His roommate was locked in his room by the time Raleigh came home, and Raleigh was too exhausted to do anything other than go to bed himself.

Silence started its reign the day after. It's been 11 days, and Raleigh's barely seen Herc, let alone talked to him. Not that he hasn't tried. He _has_  tried, relentlessly. He's tried to engage Herc, to at least see the man's face, because Herc won't even show himself to Raleigh anymore if he can help it. The few times Raleigh tries to confront Herc, catching the latter out of his room with precise timing, Herc freezes up and escapes back to his room, slamming the door to Raleigh's face. For fear of having the man starve himself to death, Raleigh leaves the house more often, hoping Herc takes care of himself when he's not around. Not only that, but the atmosphere in the house is unbearable, so he ends up spending more time out than in anyway. The few acquaintances he's made at work notice the change, to the point where they ask him what's wrong, and Raleigh has a hard time convincing them that he's fine.

He tries to hold himself together as best as he can, but the thing is, heartbreak is something that doesn't bode well with Raleigh. He has faced it more times than he can bear, and it's always hit him hard, leaving him completely raw and undone every single time. This time is no exception. He hasn't had a good night sleep in a while, and he misses Herc like a missing limb, regrets the rift that's expanded between them because of him. He keeps thinking he shouldn't have told Herc he loves him. But then again, Herc is the one to have brought it up in the first place, and Raleigh  _was_ tired of keeping his feelings to himself, especially when he had to live with the man he was in love with 24/7. The results are still what they are, however. Herc isn't speaking to him, Raleigh's feelings got hurt in the most horrific way, and he's now slowly but surely losing his mind. It makes him miss the way things were between them before, as fragile as they were, because at least back then, things seemed to be progressing— _Herc_ seemed to be progressing. Perhaps Herc never really was getting better, Raleigh tries to reassure himself, though he has every reason to believe that that's not true.

He's beyond relieved when one day Mako knocks on their door, looking as beautiful and confident as he remembers her. He hugs her tight before she can even say hi, lifting her body in the air in pure joy. Having Mako in the flesh, seeing her reassuring face, it hits Raleigh then just how lonely he's been all this time. He hasn't been alone technically, but in a way, he has. Save from the rare moments he's shared some semblant of human interaction with Herc in the three months they've lived together, Raleigh has more or less lived alone. 

"God I've missed you," he says in the crook of her neck before he puts her down, meaning every word.

"I haven't seen you smile in a long time," Mako says, her tone sad as she brushes a tear from his cheek with a gloved thumb.

"Haven't had many reasons to," Raleigh replies, and lets out a shaky breath as he thinks on the last few weeks of hell he's been through. "Come on in, you must be freezing."

He grabs one of Mako's bags and closes the door behind him, following her into the house. She takes off her beanie, revealing a new haircut; her hair's even shorter than the last time he's last seen her, and it suits her quite well. 

"You should've told me you were coming, I would've picked you up at the airport," Raleigh admonishes her with no real reproach in his tone, and promptly goes to make some tea for her.

"I wanted to surprise you," she tells him from the living room, joining him in the kitchen shortly after with a small gift bag in hand. "Here, this is for you."

"Mako," he says with exasperation, the 'you shouldn't have' clear in his eyes but she brushes him off, shoving the bag towards him, which he reluctantly takes. He finds a little rectangular cloth pouch with four words broidered onto it that he cannot read. What little Japanese Raleigh knows, he's learned from Japanese techs and engineers, who never had time to teach him to read their native language. 

"What do these mean?" he asks her, holding the amulet up as the kettle starts to whistle. He takes it off the hob to let the water cool a bit, and proceeds to measure out a couple teaspoons of tea leaves to put in the teapot Mako sent them.

" _Kanai anzen_ ," Mako says as she leans back on the counter next to him, and at his look of confusion, adds, "It means...peace, safety, for the family."

"Thank you," Raleigh says, squeezing her hand on the edge of the counter. 

"You should keep it on you," Mako tells him, taking the kettle to pour the water in the teapot, picking up where Raleigh left off effortlessly. He puts the amulet in his pocket, part of him hoping that the little amulet will bring him what it was made to bring. Peace sounds heavenly to Raleigh right now, and he definitely could use it. Once Mako's done preparing the tea, she turns to look at him and asks, "Where's Herc?"

Raleigh tenses despite himself at the mention of Herc, and he has no hope of hiding it from Mako. He was never good at hiding his emotions to begin with, and once you drift with someone, that becomes next to impossible. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath before answering, "He's upstairs, in his room."

"Do you think I can go see him?"

"No reason for him to shut you out too," Raleigh lets out before he can even think to stop himself, regretting the acid in his words immediately when he sees the brief shock in Mako's eyes. _Damn it_.

"What happened?" Mako asks, concern marring her voice as she puts a hand on his arm. Raleigh bites his lip and avoids Mako's worried gaze, letting her question sink in. He doesn't want to burden her with his problems, though he supposes they are Herc's problems too. The truth is, Raleigh doesn't want to reveal how badly he's messed things up yet, doesn't want to see the disappointment in her face when he eventually tells her everything. So for now, he decides to avoid the topic, and tells her instead, "I'll tell you later. Go talk to him, ok? He's going to be glad to see you."

It hurts more than he'd like, seeing the truth in his last words. Herc doesn't want anything to do with Raleigh, but Mako is a whole different story. Everything in Mako's expression tells him she's holding him to his word, and to appease her, he nods. "Go on ahead, I'll bring your tea up in a bit."

He waits for Mako to be well out of earshot before coming undone in the kitchen, surprised himself by the outburst of tears that takes over him. He muffles his sobs as best as he can, unable to stop thinking about Herc, about how long it's been since he's last seen Herc smile at him. He's digusted with himself for being jealous of Mako, who gets to see Herc when he hasn't had the privilege for almost two weeks now, when he's done nothing but his best to take care of the man from the moment they left Hong Kong. He has no hope for the future as far as his relationship with Herc is concerned, and that's what's been wearing him down the most. 

Raleigh doesn't know whether he'll survive this last heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been...difficult to write. Boy was it hard to write. It only took two evenings, but still. Pardon me any mistakes you might find, I'm exhausted and promise I'll come back to this chapter later and edit it (I always do). 
> 
> I realize now just how much suffering I'm putting those two through, and it's just...wow. Is it too much? I don't know, it feels right to me, knowing what I know. Ugh I'm not even making much sense anymore, sleep is becoming necessary. Next chapter will shed light on things, I promise. (It also should be the last, but at this point, I'd rather not get ahead of myself). As always, let me know what you think, comments are always appreciated !
> 
> Oh, also, this is the last chapter before the new year ! Until then, I hope you have a great NY's eve !


	6. Burn My Bridges Down

Sweat droplets fall from Herc's chin as he finishes his two hundredth push up of the day, focusing on the burn of his aching muscles. He's recoreved full function of his right shoulder pretty fast—and this fact gets him that much angrier; had they been given just a little more time, Herc could have gone instead of Stacker— though he still has to work through some residual pain every now and then. The pain and the exhaustion have become a necessary distraction from the reeling thoughts and emotions plaguing him lately. It's 10 a.m. and he hasn't set foot out of his room yet, though he will have to take Max for a walk soon. He's thankful the master bedroom has its own bathroom, sparing him another opportunity to run into Raleigh. He goes for a shower, setting the water pressure as high as possible, and relaxes under the strong stream of watter hitting his back. The rush of endorphins from his workouts never last long, and soon the weight in his chest returns, dropping heavily down on his stomach. He can feel tears welling up in his eyes as thoughts of Chuck come crashing back, taking over again. 

Mourning Angela had been one of the hardest challenges of his life; mourning Chuck seems to be an insurmountable one. No parent should bury their child, it's a well known tragedy, one that Herc had always feared and that has unfortunately come true. To make things worse, he's the one to blame for his only son's death. Chuck was only twenty-one, a whole life ahead of him, and Herc stripped that away from him. Had he not decided to enlist in the PPDC, Chuck might even be alive with him now, still giving him a hard time no doubt. He's mulled over every moment leading up to Chuck's death often enough to have memorized every decision he's made to take Chuck there. Enlisting to be a jaeger pilot. Allowing Chuck to enlist. Failing to keep Scott in line. Risking Chuck's life time and time again out fighting Kaijus. Dislocating his shoulder in that last fight before Operation Pitfall. Letting Chuck go on that last suicide mission. 

The thing is, he misses Chuck, more than he ever thought he would. Granted, Chuck treated him like shit—some people even called Chuck out on it, to no avail—but beneath it all, when all mental barriers were down in the drift, Herc could feel everything else that lied beyond resentment and anger in his son's heart. Admiration, respect, even love. The drift was a blessing in disguise in that regard, and Herc wishes every day he could have Chuck in his head again, wishes he could hug Chuck, and curses himself for all the times he cowered at the thought of embracing his son in his arms. Chuck probably wouldn't have let him get away with it, might have even punched Herc for even attempting to hug him, but at least he would have tried. He should have. Chuck had grown up too fast, and Herc had missed most of Chuck's life. This is the hardest part to digest; not only was Chuck's life cut too short, but Herc was hardly ever there for most of it. Before Scissure, he'd still been a RAAF pilot, away on missions more often than not, and then came the PPDC, which took even more of his time. 

_I spent more time with these machines than I ever did with you._

To this day, Chuck's words still resonate in his mind, haunting him day and night, cutting him deep. The guilt is as strong as the grief—if not stronger—and it makes the latter that much more potent, to the point where Herc can hardly breathe sometimes, consumed by pain and melancholy. Waking up to this reality every single day makes him want to put an end to his miserable life, having nothing to live for anymore. Nothing except Raleigh Becket. Adding to the immense grief he's been experiencing, his feelings for Raleigh had to come crash the party as well, making his guilt flare up exponentially whenever he finds his thoughts drifting to the younger ranger. His emotions are one big tangled mess lately, to say the least, and Herc doesn't even know what to think anymore.

Raleigh has always been a complicated matter, for as long as Herc can remember. Meeting Raleigh for the first time all those years ago in Manila ignited something in Herc he'd thought long gone, something he never thought would have endured all these years. Raleigh was cocky at the time, strutting around with his brother and emanating a reckless confidence that's long gone now. Herc had been attracted to both Becket brothers at the time, perhaps to Yancy a little bit more, seeing as the latter was more down to earth and responsible than Raleigh. But then again, who _wasn't_ attracted to the Becket brothers? Herc was hardly the only one. It was easy to push those thoughts aside however, when they went their separate ways—the Beckets going back to the IceBox, Herc back to Oz. Herc had other things to worry about at the time—losing his brother as his copilot, Chuck graduating the academy, Chuck becoming his copilot—he had more kaijus to fight.

The aftermath of Operation Pitfall is still a blur to Herc, the realization that he'd lost Chuck forever having all but shut his brain down, rendering him completely useless. He' He can barely remember agreeing to coming to Anchorage with Raleigh—for all he knows, Raleigh made the decision for him. He's thankful for Raleigh's takeover of his life, if it weren't for Raleigh, Herc would probably be dead by now, drunk and starved, taking Max along with him. All he has left of Chuck is Max, and he hasn't been the best caregiver to his son's dog. He's relied on Raleigh a lot more than can be considered fair to the latter, and Herc feels shame for it. 

Living with Raleigh has been therapeutic in a sense, the younger man having given him peace and space, a safe environment to go through his grief. Raleigh didn't treat him with kid gloves, even saved Herc from drowning his sorrows in alcohol—which, let's be honest, he was well on his way to. It was the best arrangement Herc could have hoped for out of this terrible situation. At least until Herc screwed everything up, and it wasn't until then that he realized how poorly he'd actually dealt with his grief, when he broke down in Raleigh's arms. He was betrayed by his own countless fantasies of Raleigh that morning, fooled by the similarity between them and the unexpected reality of Raleigh's feelings for him—something he'd only ever conceived in his dreams. Never had it crossed his mind that Raleigh could actually have any interest in him, nor did he want it to be true. 

He still has a hard time wrapping his head around what he's done, so he does his best to pretend it never happened at all. Raleigh can't actually be in love with him, that very notion scares the shit out of him. Raleigh deserves so much better than a broken old man. Raleigh has been nothing but good to him, more than Herc probably deserves. In the end, he's asked too much, taken too much from Raleigh, and Herc can't forgive himself, can't even face Raleigh anymore after what he's done. He's been avoiding Raleigh, for fear of succumbing to his own selfish desires and taking advantage of Raleigh's kindness. He's forcing Raleigh to find a life that doesn't resolve around him, to find happiness that Herc can't possibly give him. As days go by, Herc feels like he's overstayed his welcome, taken advantage of Raleigh's generosity, and starts to make plans to leave the latter to live in peace, free of the burden Herc's become.

He ends up spending more time than he wanted in the shower, lost in his thoughts. He heaves a sigh when he hears Raleigh knocking on his door, probably to tell him he's going out. He's surprised, however, when instead of Raleigh's defeated voice, Mako's comes through.

"Herc-san?"

He finishes dressing in a hurry, and goes to open the door, coming face to face with his oldest friend's daughter. Stacker made him promise to take care of her, Herc remembers now that Mako stands before him, and more shame falls upon him as he adds another failure to his ever growing list. 

"Miss Mori," he greets her, the formality a habit that slips out easily, and he can't hide his surprise. "I...It's good to see you."

She takes him aback with a hug, her tiny frame enveloping his, and he returns it awkwardly. It occurs to him now, after all these years they've known each other, that he's probably the closest thing to family she has left. They pull away, and he takes a good look at her, noticing her shorter hair, inspecting her young face ridden with years of war and responsibilities no child should ever bear. He sees Chuck in her, and it hurts more than he can bear. 

"Come with me," she says, her tone leaving no room for discussion, and takes his hand, tugging at it firmly. He lets her, having no heart to defy her—he never has, probably never will. She drags him down to the kitchen, Max following them excitedly, and what he sees there knocks the breath out of him. Raleigh's standing in the middle of the kitchen, hand covering half his face, the only sounds they can hear being the muffled sobs coming from Raleigh. He doesn't understand what's going on, doesn't know what to do, and so he turns to Mako, hoping she will know. She gives her a pointed look, one that makes Herc understand he's the cause of Raleigh's distress, and then gives him a little push toward Raleigh. The younger man looks up then, gasping quietly as he sees them, his wet blue eyes meeting Herc's briefly before looking away. Raleigh looks tired, if the dark bags under his eyes are any indication, he notices Raleigh's hair got shorter as well, which makes him realize how long it's been since he's actually so much as looked at his roommate.

"Raleigh," Herc speaks up, swallowing the lump in his throat as he tries to come up with something better to say. He's never been good with words—his entire relationship with Chuck is a testament to that—and he doesn't know what Mako expects him to do. Turning around to ask her, Mako's nowhere to be seen. Great, he's left to fend for himself on his own. It kills him to see Raleigh in this state, the scene taking him back to that night he found Raleigh breaking down in his bed. So he does the only thing he can do, he reaches out with a hand to comfort Raleigh, but the latter steps back from him, as though Herc's gesture offended him. Raleigh's wiping at his face, breathing heavily as he walks away to one of the counters.

"Raleigh," he tries again, walking over to the younger man. "I'm sorry."

"Save it," Raleigh replies, still not looking at him, his back turned to Herc. He's pouring tea into cups, setting them on a tray carefully. "Here, since you came down, take this tray up for you and Mako. I'll be out of your hair."

"Raleigh," he repeats, putting his hand on Raleigh's wrist, sensing the latter's entire body tensing at the touch. "Talk to me."

"Oh, now you want to talk?" Raleigh snaps at Herc as he jerks his arm free, which surprises Herc. He's never had Raleigh's fury directed at him, and it's quite the unpleasant discovery. 

"What's wrong?"

"What's...wrong, you ask? What's wrong is that  _you_ kissed me, and then went on to give me the cold shoulder after I told you that I _love_ you," Raleigh says calmly, his cold tone ripping through Herc's heart, leaving fresh wounds among the older ones. He never expected to have this conversation today, and feels utterly unprepared for it— though he supposes this is long overdue. He's only thought about himself all this time, he admits now that he's faced with the consequences of his actions. He's hurt Raleigh, which never even occurred to him could happen when he started avoiding the latter. He owes it to Raleigh to explain himself, to make Raleigh see reason and forget about him. 

"You can't be serious," Herc says, feeling increasingly nervous as he waits for Raleigh's response. 

"I am," Raleigh replies, taking a breath before continuing, "I don't get you, Herc. You're the one who asked me that night. You're the one who kissed me."

"I didn't think...I thought it was a dream," Herc tries to explain, struggling to find the right words. "And then, I didn't want it to be true, so I...I tried to pretend it didn't happen."

"Why not? You do want me, don't you, Herc?" Raleigh asks, his question revealing how vulnerable Raleigh is on that matter, and Herc can't find it in him to let Raleigh down by denying it. 

"I do," he closes his eyes as he says so. "But you don't want to be with someone like me—"

"Shouldn't that be my choice to make?" Raleigh cuts him off as he turns to face him, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I don't deserve you, Raleigh, I...I'm a wreck."

"So am I," Raleigh counters, looking him straight in the eye with renewed fire Herc hasn't seen in a while. "So am I, Herc. We're both broken, we've both lost everything in this God damn war, and somehow we've come out of it alive. What's the point of being alive if you don't want to live, Herc? Chuck sacrificed himself so that you could live—so that we all could live. And he's not the only one, think of all the fallen rangers that gave their lives for us. Don't we owe it to them to cherish the gift they've given us? There's no one else we deserve more than each other."

"I..." Herc is dumbstruck, at a complete loss for words. Everything Raleigh's just said is true, he knows, but the loss of Chuck is still burning hot in his heart, and he can hardly imagine enjoying himself. "I just lost Chuck a couple months ago, Raleigh, I can't—I don't have room for anything else, at least not now."

"We don't need to do anything, just...let me in, Herc," Raleigh pleads, his beautiful eyes holding so much hope and sadness that Herc has a hard time finding a reason not to give in. Raleigh cups his face with a hand, brushing a tear away from Herc's face with his thumb. "Please don't shut me out again, I'm tired of speaking through your door...after everything we've just said, you don't have to keep your distance anymore."

Herc shuts his eyes and puts his hand over Raleigh's, taking deep breaths to try and think clearly. He really cannot deny his feelings for Raleigh, which have only become stronger the more time he spent with the latter in this house. Raleigh isn't the young reckless ranger he met in Manila all those years ago—grief and war changes you, forces you to grow and harden your defenses. Raleigh's taken care of him in a way no one's had in forever, Raleigh has—Raleigh's loved him all this time, and Herc never saw it. Until now. The thought is overwhelming, and it's almost as though he can feel Raleigh's love washing over him now that he's seen it for what it is. He gathers Raleigh in his arms, holding the latter in a tight embrace, and lets out a shaky breath of relief when Raleigh returns it. 

"I really don't deserve you," Herc murmurs in the crook of Raleigh's neck as he gives the latter a squeeze, breathing in Raleigh's scent, the one that reigns in the entire house. 

"Guess I'll have to spend the rest of our lives convincing you, won't I?" Raleigh replies as he cards his fingers through Herc's hair. "And perhaps convince you to get a haircut too."

Herc lets out a slight chuckle at that, feeling much lighter as some of the weight in his chest vanishes. 

"I agree," Mako's voice brings Herc's attention to the petite woman who abandoned her to face Raleigh alone just moments ago. She's smiling softly at them, and Herc understands then that she's known all along. He catches Raleigh returning her smile, the latter facing him again with hopeful eyes.

"Look, Herc," Raleigh starts, pursing his lips to wet them. "I'm not saying you need to forget about Chuck, or anyone, but you do have to move on, cut your ties to the past, or it'll drag you down. I've learned that the hard way."

Herc nods as he lets Raleigh's words sink in, and turns to look at Mako when the latter gives his shoulder a light squeeze. He looks over her shoulder then, seeing all her luggage sitting in the hallway, and can't help but notice she's brought an awful lot with her. It almost seems like she's brought everything, actually.

"Is Mako moving in with us?" he asks as the thought pops in his head, and Mako's expression turns to that of a deer caught in headlights so fast it's almost comical. So they've never actually discussed it, Herc muses as he looks at the two of them exchanging silently with their eyes. The idea is certainly appealing, now more than ever. Herc wants Mako in his life, she and Raleigh are, in a sense, the only family he has left now, and Herc has always been a family kind of man. 

"Um...I didn't know how to ask—"

"You didn't have to," Raleigh says before she can finish, lighting up as he goes to hug her. "Consider this your home."

"Thank you," Mako says as they pull away, and looks at Herc with a fond gaze. "I'm happy you two worked things out."

"Me too," Herc replies, and for the first time in forever, he can see hope in the future again. Chuck will always be part of him, as will Angela, but if he's to stay on this earth for a little while longer, Herc wants to do his best to make the two most important people left in his life as happy as possible. 

"I'll leave you two alone while I go unpack," Mako says, and quickly anticipates Raleigh's question. "I've already found the guest room."

"You mean _your_ room," Raleigh corrects her, and she gives them a little grin before disappearing, leaving the two of them alone again. Raleigh walks back to Herc, tentatively going for another hug, which Herc gives him gladly. It doesn't feel as strange as it could be, considering how drastically things have changed between them over a few minutes.

"Are we good?" Raleigh asks softly, head resting on Herc's shoulder, arms tightening their grip around Herc's middle.

"Yeah, we're good," he says, reveling in the feel of Raleigh's warm body against his. He's been affection deprived for years, to the point where this feels almost alien to him. "I still can't help but feel—"

"Like you shouldn't be happy?"

Herc nods, and heaves a sigh. It's uncanny how easily Raleigh can read him, even when they've never drifted together. The guilt is still very much present, flaring up as though it's not satisfied with Herc's sudden lightness in his mood. 

"Nobody said it was easy, Herc," Raleigh says as he leans back to look at him, blue eyes boring into his own, his hand finding its place on Herc's cheek again. "But I'll be here for you, always."

"All right," Herc says, and brings his hand up to hold Raleigh's, the both of them finding their earlier position. Raleigh keeps looking at him with an expression Herc can't decipher, worrying over his bottom lip.

"What is it?"

"I really want to kiss you," Raleigh answers him, looking almost sheepish, and Herc can't help but grin. The thought of kissing Raleigh fills him with excitement rather than dread as he looks at Raleigh's beautiful face, seeing the adoration in those eyes that have filled many of his dreams.

"You may."

Raleigh doesn't need to be told twice, for Herc barely has time to finish speaking before Raleigh captures his lips in a tender kiss that is familiar; slow and passionate, overwhelming and sweet. Their bodies mold onto each other perfectly, and in this one crystal clear moment, Herc thinks this is something he could very well get used to. He lets his arms rest around Raleigh's waist, the latter's hands on his neck, and when they finally part to breathe, Herc brings Raleigh's head to his shoulder, like the most natural thing in the world. It feels like home, plain and simple, like this one simple kiss has been Herc's catharsis.

"I love you too," Herc says as he runs his fingers through Raleigh's short blond locks, and he doesn't need to look at Raleigh's face to know the latter's smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A belated happy birthday to you, [DT]() ! I tried finishing this chapter yesterday, but it needed a lot of work, and I wanted this to be done right. Hope you've had a lovely birthday, and I hope you enjoy this last chapter.
> 
> Phew. I honestly didn't think this was ever going to end when I posted the first chapter, knowing my bad habit of not finishing WIPs...It's so satisfying to actually finish a multi-chapter story. I hold this fic very dearly, I've poured my heart into it, and am absolutely drained, emotionally, as I'm writing this. I want to thank you, dear readers, for sticking with me, for giving me your lovely feedback.


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